Searching for Serenity: The Road Ahead

I could already feel the anxiety rising through my body as I approached the sign: Road Closed Ahead. I was out in the country in unfamiliar territory. Even my GPS was confused. With absolutely no inherent sense of direction, getting lost seemed inevitable. I tried not to panic and continued on knowing I would soon have to make a decision. Left or right? Another sign appeared near the road block: Follow Marked Detour. I breathed a sigh of relief and followed the giant orange arrow. The answer to my question - left.

Cruising along the alternate route, I silently scolded myself for those few minutes of unnecessary concern. Still, I wasn't the least bit surprised by my overreaction. Thick fog, blinding rain, road blocks - the nature of the obstacle doesn't matter. Once the road ahead is no longer predictable, my emotions settle somewhere between subtle uneasiness and total panic. I begin straining to see the road ahead rather than focusing on what is clearly visible right now. I push forward, jump to conclusions, and anticipate disaster until I find myself reacting to an imaginary future instead of what is actually happening at the present moment.

Too often, I forget that uncertainty can only be successfully navigated by embracing patience and presence - by slowing down rather than rushing ahead. If I stop worrying about what is beyond my grasp, I realize that everything I need for the moment is well within reach. As I progress forward with the natural flow of time, the road ahead opens little by little and the destination becomes clear.

I guess that's what people mean by one day at a time.


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Searching for Serenity

Searching for Serenity: Why Not Now?

Not long ago I was reading a book that included a list of life regrets written by Erma Bombeck, a popular newspaper columnist, after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. There are actually multiple versions of this list circulating on the internet (some of which are attributed to different writers), but the overall message is the same. Here is an excerpt from one version:

“If I Had My Life to Live Over”

“If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.” -- Erma Bombeck

Things like this really make me think – not because they are oh-so-true or because they remind to take my own life a little less seriously, but because I find it sad that so few people ever find themselves in a truly carefree, regret-free, loving-every-minute-of-every-day place in their lives. Instead, we tend to plow through life complaining about the weather or the traffic or gas prices. We worry about what other people think of the condition of our homes or the size of our butts. We stand in judgment of others’ political views, religious beliefs, and life choices while turning blind eyes and deaf ears to our own contributions to the world’s problems. We choose anger and resentment over forgiveness and compassion, and we fear uncertainty more than we trust life. Then one day a terminal illness or tragic loss stops us in our tracks and the only thing we can do is look back and say, “I wish I would have…”

Unfortunately, by the time we get to “I wish I would have,” wishing is all we’ll ever be able to do about it. I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want my wake up call to come at the end of my life, and I certainly don’t want to sit down one day and write a list of all the things I wish I had done. That’s why I’m doing this. That’s why I’m putting so much effort into reprioritizing my life and growing a more positive mind. And that’s why I’m willing to talk about it so openly. I hope it holds me accountable to my commitment to this change and I hope it inspires someone, anyone, to join me on the journey.

It’s never too late to change your perspective on life, and you don’t need a personal tragedy to kickstart your desire to do it. Every day is a new opportunity to banish the underlying worries, fears, judgments, and frustrations that undermine your ability to live fully in the present moment.

So why not start today? Try to worry less about stained clothes and messy hair, even if you’re out in public. Support your child’s goals, even if they’re not what you had in mind. Sing your way through a traffic jam, even if you’re running late. Let your kids play with fingerpaints and play-doh, even if the table is oak and the carpet is white. Forgive your brother, even if you think he was wrong. Let your guard down, even if you’re afraid. Dance in the rain, even if it’s your wedding day. And start taking your life from “I wish I would have…” to “I’m glad I did…”

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Searching for Serenity: The Beginning

Searching for Serenity: Peel the Onion

Searching for Serenity: Peel the Onion

It has been over a year since I first came to the full realization that something in my life has been completely amiss. It all began when I started this blog, which kick-started an introspective journey involving intense self-reflection, analysis, and discovery. That journey is now resulting in a slow shift of consciousness and re-examination of purpose that are beginning to change the way I perceive life and its events, alter my perspective on religious and political matters, and raise my awareness of the binding thought patterns that clutter our human minds. I believe these seemingly uncontrollable thought patterns of worry, doubt, and judgment sit at the very core of many of our fears, addictions, personality flaws, internal conflicts, troubled relationships, and life challenges. The answer to combating those patterns lies in the ability to recognize, challenge, and ultimately control them. Here is the process through which I came to this realization...

In early 2011, I finally admitted to myself that have a problem with being in control. I am uncomfortable in unfamiliar settings, especially when I consider a situation to be chaotic or poorly managed. My life is highly structured and overly organized. I like to be right; I like to be in charge; I can even be a bit of a brat when it comes to getting my way. I have been aware of those things for years, but I always did what most people with personality flaws do – I justified it, made light of it, created excuses to defend it, and accepted it as an unchangeable part of who I am. I lived in complete denial of its true impact on my ability to have a fully harmonious marriage and a truly peaceful life. Never before had I been honest enough with myself to look in the mirror and say, “This is a problem.”

Once I did that, I expected overnight success. I thought the increased awareness of my problem was enough to enact a change. Not so fast. It was more like the “diet starts Monday” mentality. Every day I resolved to go with the flow, to trust the natural order of the world, to worry about myself and let everyone else be and do as they wish. Every day I failed miserably. I started trying less and less and I fell back into my old mentality, “This is who I am.” Along the way, various incidents would refuel my efforts to change, but it was always temporary. This went on until I discovered the next layer.

It turns out that I had been addressing the wrong problem. Instead of trying to stop controlling life, I needed to go a step further and ask myself, “What compels me to be in control of the world around me?” The answer (which did not come to me as immediately as it seems here) was anxiety caused by constant worry and fear. Subconsciously, I had come to believe that if I can make life predictable, then I’ll never get hurt or blindsided, and I’ll be prepared if my worries ever do come to fruition. This resulted in a lifestyle marked by rigidity, inflexibility, an unwillingness to trust others, constant suspicion of the possible danger lurking in the future, and (not surprisingly) an inability to relax, enjoy simple moments, and truly believe that “life is good.”

I quickly abandoned my efforts to magically stop controlling the circumstances of my life, and I started focusing on addressing my anxiety. Since I had already discovered an underlying cause for my compulsion to be in control, I assumed there must also be a deeper cause for my anxiety. I started with what I could already admit: I am distracted and preoccupied all the time. But why? My inability to answer that question led me to prayer, and my prayers guided me toward various resources through which I discovered a completely foreign but very intriguing concept. Spiritual writers describe it in various ways, but it basically boils down to developing the ability to live in the present moment without the distraction of any unnecessary or irrelevant thoughts.

There it is, I thought. That is the core; the center of the onion. I am constantly preoccupied because my head is cluttered with thoughts – second-guessing the past, worrying about the future, and entertaining a host of other irrelevant why’s and what-if’s that swim through my mind disrupting my stream of consciousness and affecting my ability to fully enjoy life. My disruptive thoughts fuel my anxiety and my anxiety compels me to control the world around me. The answer lies in learning how to live in the moment, surrender to the present, block negative and irrelevant thoughts, and trust the natural order of the world. Given that this is still a new concept in my life, my ability to do those things is certainly in its infancy, but I believe the achievement of those skills is a real possibility for everyone willing to try.

This is where my real journey begins and your journey can begin here too. I believe that any of life challenges – and we all have them – can be inserted in place of my compulsion to control and can be understood and processed on a deeper level by confronting the thought patterns that fuel them and learning what it means to be truly present in each moment of this beautiful life. I hope you continue to follow along and share your comments as we continue the search for serenity.

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Searching for Serenity: The Beginning

Searching for Serenity: The Beginning

I’m sitting on my patio, lemonade in hand, watching my new waterfall fountain, a mother’s day gift, pouring steady streams of water into the basin below. On my left, our hammock swings gracefully between two trees. The air is filled with peaceful silence interrupted only by the chirping of birds and the steady trickle of the fountain. Yet, somehow, among all of this beauty surrounding a home and a life beyond my wildest dreams, I am troubled.
 

I should start at the beginning. I have always led a stressful life. I was a straight A student all the way through grad school. Then I was planning a wedding; then I switched jobs; then I got pregnant; then I quit my job against my better financial judgment; then our family started to outgrow our tiny house. I always believed my stress was warranted, my worries were real. I was plagued by terrifying “What if’s,” many of which were neither foreseeable nor preventable.

Beginning exactly one year ago, a series of amazing blessings propelled me into the life of my dreams. Matt was promoted to a job that would allow me to stay home indefinitely and six months later we bought our dream house. Finally, all of my problems are solved, I told myself, and I truly believed it. A month after the move, I sat alone on my couch staring across the room at our stone fireplace with tears soaking the front of my shirt.  All of the worry, doubt, and anxiety had followed me right into my new life, and a whole new set of “what if’s” forced their way into my daily thoughts. My mind instantly entered guilt mode, “How can I not be happy with all of this? Am I really that ungrateful? Don’t I realize how blessed I am?”  Once I realized that a verbal self-beating wasn’t going to help me, I pulled myself together and resolved to find the root of my sadness.

Over the next few weeks, I came to a troubling conclusion. I imagine it is the same conclusion reached by those who find themselves in an endless series of bad relationships: It’s me. My worries were never about the external circumstances in my life. Rather, they were generated from an unsettled place deep inside me, and my ability to calm them relied not on solving my problems but on tapping into the internal sense of peace that calms the storm regardless of the problems in its wake.


Possibly the most bothersome aspect of my plight is that the concept of internal peace is not new to me (although the pursuit of it certainly is). I’m familiar with all the famous quotes about how money can’t buy happiness and moments that take your breath away. Live, Laugh, Love, right? For some reason, though, I always thought my situation was an exception. I believed peace was waiting right around the corner if only I could reach this goal, solve that problem, survive this busy week. It wasn’t until I had it all on the outside that I realized how much was missing on the inside. That’s what I should have been pursuing the whole time. Imagine my devastation as I thought back on all the years of my life that weren’t enjoyed to their fullest because I was plagued by worry, doubt, and a million what-if’s that never came to fruition.

Although it has taken me a long time to give my problem a name and a voice, I am now in the beginning stages of what I believe will be a life-changing journey. If you are bothered by worry, doubt, or anxiety; if you feel lost in your life and confused about your purpose; if your faith has been shaken by your inability to find true peace; then I invite you to join me. I don’t know that I will find definitive answers to all of those uncertainties, but I’m determined to try.

Today, as I sit on my patio and sip my lemonade, I am still troubled but I am filled with a new hope. I still worry and my anxieties still take over more than I would like to admit, but I am slowly working to change the way I process their presence. Each day is a miniature journey toward the ultimate goal – complete peace and serenity despite the many uncertainties of life. Many people say it isn’t possible. I say, let’s see.

Look for future posts titled “Searching for Serenity” for updates on the realizations, challenges, and discoveries that come my way as I work to grow a more positive mind and create a more peaceful life.